Dreaming.

I suppose I don’ t feel particularly inspired to compose anything deep and thought provoking.

I suppose I just want to dream. To dream without worrying about what contradicts what. To dream without trying to make it work in some form of a plan. To unshackle those deep parts of me that I arrested during bouts of fear and confusion and allow them to breathe the free air again.

I dream.

I dream of teaching. Of being in front of a class room. Of proclaiming truth and shaping lives for the better.

I dream of mountains. Of vegetable gardens. Of horse pastures in the woods. Of a gazebo surrounded by herbs and lit by Christmas lights.

I dream of a home and family. Of children who have his eyes and my nose. I dream of extended family relationships with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Of Thanksgivings and Halloweens, Christmases and birthdays. I dream of cooking and organizing and managing a household. Of dogs to have adventures with, and cats to cuddle with.

I dream of having my name on a book about my travels around the world. I dream that that book would help other young people, young women, to see that this world does not satisfy.

I dream about having my talents and gifts be useful. I am intellectual. I am intelligent. I don’t have to stifle it. I had to go through this last year of confusion and wandering, but I don’t have to stay here.

I dream. I dream that it’s okay to dream, that it won’t be squashed down and that I will reach out and try. I dream of not being afraid to fail. I dream of having bravery and being courageous and of taking on what is difficult knowing that in the end, hoping that in the end, it will be worthwhile.

I dream of being an influential woman, I suppose, in people’s lives. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad dream. But wait – we aren’t worrying about that. No value statements, just dreams. I dream of being influential in people’s lives for Jesus. For His glory and His kingdom. I dream of influencing people’s understanding of the Lord. Of helping them to see that He is so much more than we imagine.

I dream that I have a voice. I don’t know why I feel that I don’t. But I have experienced wonderful and horrible things. I have had deep thoughts, have wrestled with big issues. And I want to contribute to the discussion. Because if I remain silent, and I don’t say that I have the full truth, but what if part of the truth is muted in this generation?

I dream of being well read, literate, and to date with current issues so that I can have a voice in what happens with that understanding. I dream of things bigger than mid-Michigan, I suppose.

I dream of deep friendships. Of staying in touch with those who have walked with me through so much. Of serving them and loving them and being an element of Jesus’s love to them.

I dream for the next generation, that they will stay strong. That they will know the truth about Jesus. That they will know their God and that they will serve him fearlessly.

I dream of continuing to be physically fit, of pushing myself more, of overcoming my shortcomings.

I suppose I had more dreams than I thought I did. I haven’t allowed them for so long, and I don’t even know why. I think a large part of their stifling was fear – fear of what it would mean if I pursued them. Now I think I have a different fear – fear of what it would mean if I didn’t.

Already the “Now, well, ya know”s are sneaking in to shoot down these little dreams of mine. Well trained snipers, silencing the emaciated hopes before they can become strong and begin to be implemented, assassinating them before they can begin to take effect upon the course of my life.

My political prisoners. Deemed dangerous somewhere along the lines, though I can’t quite remember why. As I watch them crawl into the sunlight, I dream that some of them will survive the massacre. 

Utilization of Gifts...

Without sounding boastful, I think the following two things:

I have a gift of writing.

I am gifted (spiritual gift wise) as a teacher. 

As such, I want to combine the two and keep them fresh. I want to write so as to encourage thought about the Lord and how we are living our lives. 

I am not a theologian. 

I am not a pastor. 

I am a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ and I want to be as useful to Him as I can be. 

Goal: at least 1 post per week. 

Go and Grow.

My Pastor taught us back in September that there comes a point where in order to grow, we have to go out and take a part in the great comission. That is true of the church as a whole, for as more people are out speaking about the truth of God and showing people that there's redemption, then more people are drawn into the family of Christ at the local church. It is also true of us as individuals.

I have been going, in small ways, lately.God has enabled me to shed long-held fears of rejection, and I have decided to look at work as my mission field (which, by the way, if you have a job, you should too). I complained about this to the Lord at first, because a part of me loves intercultural interaction and for that very selfish reason I thought that I shouldn't be engaging in missions locally but should clearly be in some foreign country.

Of course the Lord challenged that in me. He pointed at my workplace and asked "If you don't go, who will?" Shut me up pretty quick, because God cares about the people at my workplace just as much as He cares about the Good News getting to unreached tribes in the remote corners of the world. And if I didn't obey and go where He was sending me, if I didn't come to His feet ready to serve the people He put in my life, who would?

So, I am learning to live the brave life of a missionary right here in my hometown. I am learning to love boldly those who have been rejected from workplace cliques (please note the present-tense of that verb, because I have not perfected this by any means, and only make the progress I have because of the amazing grace of God and my growing love for Him). I have had the opportunity to pray with a co-worker about emotional issues, have invited this person and her family to church, and have been able to encourage her towards the family of God. One of my biggest personal victories is that I have been able to hopefully speak truth about the Lord to another coworker who I think is looking for God, who wants to believe, but at the moment states that (s)he "can't".

It's amazing how everything is truly from God. It's amazing that the faith we need to believe is a gift, that Jesus was sent from the Father as a way out of our depravity, that the courage has started to take root in me is given me by the Holy Spirit of God Himself. That's amazing - AMAZING - that the SPIRIT OF GOD, with all His power and glory, is with us! AMAZING!

So, here's to 2012. To going more. To growing more. To serving and teaching and loving more. To MORE.