On Being Angry with God

There have been two movies which I have watched that have gotten me angry with God: The Mission and End of the Spear. The parts which sparked this anger stick out so vividly to me. In The Mission, it was that opening scene, with the missionary tied by the Natives to a cross and sent to float down the river, where he would meet his death by being hurled over a waterfall. From The End of the Spear, what did me in was watching the father say goodbye to his children, and then be speared to death by the people he went to go and help.

Angry.

Upset with God.

I watched The End of the Spear this afternoon for the first time. I wept. Bitterly, even. "Why?" was all I could ask God. "Why? Why send your people out to die?"

This gets at an issue I have been facing for most of my Christian life: the fear of martyrdom. There was a call on my life to go to missions when I was young. I was afraid. Afraid of the pain and torture that might accompany it. And so, now, anger. Why do the people He loves have to go and be killed?

I placed myself in the families shoes - what if Jesse and I were married, and he went off into the jungle and never came back? I was angry.

I know the answers to the question. I know the verses. Please don't throw those at me. It is a heart issue, not a head issue.

Anyhow, the heart issue is being solved out. Everyday, I come to understand Christianity more and more. More of the purpose, more of the workings of the tides that lay below the surface of the ocean waters. And today may be the beginning of a change in thoughts in regards to this thing that makes me angry with God. Really truly realizing that people's salvation is more important than my life or the lives of those that I love. Truly realizing what a "missionary" is.

I am so small, and all of this is so much bigger than me and my life.

To the missionaries, who truly give their lives.

Gracie