Dreaming.

I suppose I don’ t feel particularly inspired to compose anything deep and thought provoking.

I suppose I just want to dream. To dream without worrying about what contradicts what. To dream without trying to make it work in some form of a plan. To unshackle those deep parts of me that I arrested during bouts of fear and confusion and allow them to breathe the free air again.

I dream.

I dream of teaching. Of being in front of a class room. Of proclaiming truth and shaping lives for the better.

I dream of mountains. Of vegetable gardens. Of horse pastures in the woods. Of a gazebo surrounded by herbs and lit by Christmas lights.

I dream of a home and family. Of children who have his eyes and my nose. I dream of extended family relationships with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Of Thanksgivings and Halloweens, Christmases and birthdays. I dream of cooking and organizing and managing a household. Of dogs to have adventures with, and cats to cuddle with.

I dream of having my name on a book about my travels around the world. I dream that that book would help other young people, young women, to see that this world does not satisfy.

I dream about having my talents and gifts be useful. I am intellectual. I am intelligent. I don’t have to stifle it. I had to go through this last year of confusion and wandering, but I don’t have to stay here.

I dream. I dream that it’s okay to dream, that it won’t be squashed down and that I will reach out and try. I dream of not being afraid to fail. I dream of having bravery and being courageous and of taking on what is difficult knowing that in the end, hoping that in the end, it will be worthwhile.

I dream of being an influential woman, I suppose, in people’s lives. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad dream. But wait – we aren’t worrying about that. No value statements, just dreams. I dream of being influential in people’s lives for Jesus. For His glory and His kingdom. I dream of influencing people’s understanding of the Lord. Of helping them to see that He is so much more than we imagine.

I dream that I have a voice. I don’t know why I feel that I don’t. But I have experienced wonderful and horrible things. I have had deep thoughts, have wrestled with big issues. And I want to contribute to the discussion. Because if I remain silent, and I don’t say that I have the full truth, but what if part of the truth is muted in this generation?

I dream of being well read, literate, and to date with current issues so that I can have a voice in what happens with that understanding. I dream of things bigger than mid-Michigan, I suppose.

I dream of deep friendships. Of staying in touch with those who have walked with me through so much. Of serving them and loving them and being an element of Jesus’s love to them.

I dream for the next generation, that they will stay strong. That they will know the truth about Jesus. That they will know their God and that they will serve him fearlessly.

I dream of continuing to be physically fit, of pushing myself more, of overcoming my shortcomings.

I suppose I had more dreams than I thought I did. I haven’t allowed them for so long, and I don’t even know why. I think a large part of their stifling was fear – fear of what it would mean if I pursued them. Now I think I have a different fear – fear of what it would mean if I didn’t.

Already the “Now, well, ya know”s are sneaking in to shoot down these little dreams of mine. Well trained snipers, silencing the emaciated hopes before they can become strong and begin to be implemented, assassinating them before they can begin to take effect upon the course of my life.

My political prisoners. Deemed dangerous somewhere along the lines, though I can’t quite remember why. As I watch them crawl into the sunlight, I dream that some of them will survive the massacre. 

Utilization of Gifts...

Without sounding boastful, I think the following two things:

I have a gift of writing.

I am gifted (spiritual gift wise) as a teacher. 

As such, I want to combine the two and keep them fresh. I want to write so as to encourage thought about the Lord and how we are living our lives. 

I am not a theologian. 

I am not a pastor. 

I am a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ and I want to be as useful to Him as I can be. 

Goal: at least 1 post per week. 

Go and Grow.

My Pastor taught us back in September that there comes a point where in order to grow, we have to go out and take a part in the great comission. That is true of the church as a whole, for as more people are out speaking about the truth of God and showing people that there's redemption, then more people are drawn into the family of Christ at the local church. It is also true of us as individuals.

I have been going, in small ways, lately.God has enabled me to shed long-held fears of rejection, and I have decided to look at work as my mission field (which, by the way, if you have a job, you should too). I complained about this to the Lord at first, because a part of me loves intercultural interaction and for that very selfish reason I thought that I shouldn't be engaging in missions locally but should clearly be in some foreign country.

Of course the Lord challenged that in me. He pointed at my workplace and asked "If you don't go, who will?" Shut me up pretty quick, because God cares about the people at my workplace just as much as He cares about the Good News getting to unreached tribes in the remote corners of the world. And if I didn't obey and go where He was sending me, if I didn't come to His feet ready to serve the people He put in my life, who would?

So, I am learning to live the brave life of a missionary right here in my hometown. I am learning to love boldly those who have been rejected from workplace cliques (please note the present-tense of that verb, because I have not perfected this by any means, and only make the progress I have because of the amazing grace of God and my growing love for Him). I have had the opportunity to pray with a co-worker about emotional issues, have invited this person and her family to church, and have been able to encourage her towards the family of God. One of my biggest personal victories is that I have been able to hopefully speak truth about the Lord to another coworker who I think is looking for God, who wants to believe, but at the moment states that (s)he "can't".

It's amazing how everything is truly from God. It's amazing that the faith we need to believe is a gift, that Jesus was sent from the Father as a way out of our depravity, that the courage has started to take root in me is given me by the Holy Spirit of God Himself. That's amazing - AMAZING - that the SPIRIT OF GOD, with all His power and glory, is with us! AMAZING!

So, here's to 2012. To going more. To growing more. To serving and teaching and loving more. To MORE.

Can...or Will?

I've heard it taught more than once that when a person prays for healing, faith isn't so much believing that God can do something as that He cares and that He will do something. That something might not look like what we hope for or what we desire, because His ways are so much higher than our ways, but He does act.

I was driving home from assisting with our Youth Group last night and was thinking about my future with God and His Kingdom. The destiny that God has for the real me (the one I can become if I embrace Him fully - the one I was meant to be without sin and clothed in His power and glory) is there. I can do it. I have no doubt.

But for me, it seems, the question is not so much whether I can, but in whether I will. That has always been the question. Will I step up? I know I have giftings. So many gifts. I can do the things, and even more so with the power of God in me as the Holy Spirit fills me.

But will I use them?
Will I accept responsibility?
Will I take action?
Will I accept the costs of building the kingdom of Jesus and warring against the kingdom of Satan?

I've been quite good at finding what I can do comfortably. I can travel the world comfortably, by myself, make new connections, or go on international journeys with nobody connected to me. I can excel academically, write award winning work, soar and achieve the utmost.

But, given the opportunity, what will I do? Will I really lay it all down in surrender to the one who paid for me? Will I really pour myself out into the next generation in faith that my efforts will not be in vain? Will I really?

It is a choice. I have free will. There is a destiny available -will I seize it?
Gracie

Generation (noun): a type or class of objects usually developed from an earlier type

In the movie Sunshine, astronauts are on a desperate mission to save mankind. The sun is dying, and they have the materials necessary to give it a "jump start", so to speak. It is a final push, as the mission had already been attempted and failed.

Cassie, one of the astronauts, asks another astronaut upon his awakening:
"Good dream? Let me guess…the surface of the sun? Only dream I ever have. Every time I shut my eyes it's always the same."

This quote has been restlessly poking at my mind for a few months. I am realizing now how it fits so well with another movie scene that has been with me for almost a year, battered by my thoughts like a stone on an ocean shore.

The riders of Rohan arrive to Minas Tirith to find it besieged by the seemingly immeasurable armies of Mordor. The situation appears quite hopeless, for though the Rohirrim are a cavalry of several thousand, engaging in battle seems like a death sentence. Yet, defiantly, they raise their spears and swords, sound their horns, and shout "Death!" with such force and acceptance that I get goose bumps thinking about it. They charge in to wage war against the all-consuming, unmerciful evil.

Both of these movies are overflowing with self-sacrifice for the good of people in dire need, who otherwise have no hope of making it. In Sunshine, the mission is all consuming to the point where all that can be seen in the subconscious is the surface of the sun. All die as a result of the mission, some consumed by the very sun itself, but they succeed and the fate of the earth is postponed. In Return of the King, the battle cry "Death!" is a resolution of doom, of resigning ones self to a bloody end for the sake of a city of people who are overwhelmed by an enemy seething with hatred.

Without wanting to sound too melodramatic, that is how I want to live my life. Resolving to die to myself and charge into the fray, giving myself to reach out to people who are ravaged by the enemy of the one true God. Recently, I have been reading in the book of Ephesians. I was struck by the very familiar phrase of how God has prepared good works "in advance" for us to do. Once again it brings me around to the question of "what is it that I am to do?"

Part of the answer to that question is carried out on the micro level, and I think that gets overlooked. Day by day, there may be opportunities that God has created to bring forth the good news about the peace offering he made millennia ago, as well as opportunities to represent His love and mercy and grace, and justice and holiness, to a broken and corrupt world. Jesus' ministry and outreach was full of these opportunities to heal and teach.

These micro-events cannot be forgotten in the business of living day to day life. I've realized how very easy it is to get distracted by the things we must do to function in life. Working, driving, eating, time with family - all good things, but the steady cadence can dull the mind. I want to stand at attention, not at ease.

But as for the macro-level answer to "what am I to be doing?", I do believe that one can receive an answer to this question from the Lord. It may not make sense at first, and it may take a lifetime to come to fruition. Jesus had a clear big-picture purpose that he continually alluded to throughout the time of His ministry - the cross. I've been seeking the answer to this question for a long time. Somehow, some way, the answer has to do with the next generation.

It stuck out to me last summer as I was worshipping the Lord with my brothers and sisters in New Zealand. Before leaving on the trip, the word "generation" had been bothering me, like the above quotes and scenes have bothered me. The song "Hosanna" by Hillsong has the following verse in it:

"I see a generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith,
selfless faith,
I see a near revival,
Stirring as we pray and seek,
We're on our knees,
On our knees."

I don't think it's a mistake, looking back, that Arise Church has a heart for a new generation. Looking back, it seems that it was the right place for me to go, to see what was happening in New Zealand: a surge of young people rising to take their place and serve the Lord.

God has prepared good works in advance for us to do. What has He prepared for the next generation? How am I a part of it?

Recently I have been so moved by how active the Lord truly is in the world. I've been reading with piqued interested the newsletters that are coming in from our missionaries at the church, have heard marvelous reports from missionaries visiting in person over this last month.

We're all caught up in the mighty purposes of our Father. His story, not ours. Our lives are hardly a paragraph of a chapter in His story, the story of eternal glory and wonder interacting with broken depravity. It's all so big, and puts my own life in perspective. But humbly I offer it, and hope that I, like the Rohirrim, can cry "Death!" as I charge into the fray.

Doom (noun) fate or destiny, especially adverse fate

Well, it seems I am in a coffee shop with a computer, imbibing caffeine with nameless strangers. How fitting it feels to write.

And the word that comes to me to describe how I feel is doom. And the more I've thought about doom, my doom, the more I grow to love it. That sounds peculiar even to me, and I'm writing these words.

My doom is death.

How often do we think about death? How often do we pause to consider that we are finite, that one day we, as we know ourselves, end?

I feared this doom. I still wonder about it, still am not excited about it. Do I fear my doom? No, because in a way I feel as though I'm already meeting it.

The Christian life is a life of doom, I'm afraid. No, I'm not afraid, actually. I'm quite joyful, really. Doom because it is the process of subjecting one's self to a life of discipline, of self-denial, of death to ones self and selfish desires, self-centered plans and schemes, a laying down our self-preserving rights.

In place of that death, we have life so glorious it is hardly anything to count those other things as loss. I've been struck by that phrase - "to count as loss". We're taking an account of our lives, and saying "Well, that part of my life is gone. It's there no more." I'm not saying it's this for everybody, but for me, it may mean that my dreams of graduate school are a "loss" - but what loss? Because when I think of what I gain, there isn't really a loss. It's a grossly imbalance trade our God has offered. The grandness of His presence in our lives forever, the privilege of being involved in His plans and purposes in the World, in exchange for our measly, prideful, misguided plans.

And when we embrace that doom, truly, what have we to fear?

Because if we embrace that doom, we have nothing to lose. Only everything to gain.

And that's DANGEROUS.

Man.

Am I perfectly embracing this doom? Heck no. It's not easy. It can be downright difficult.

But WOW is it GOOD!

Living Like the Moon

Okay, so I know that many (if not all) of my posts center on Christian topics. Not sure why I'm writing this, because if you weren't interested I would just be tuned out anyways. Ultimately, I have decided to fully embrace what I believe to be true with all my heart, and these writings flow from those convictions.

Anyways - on to lunacy. The moon, that is. As we know, it does not emit its own light but rather reflects light from the sun. Perhaps you've even heard the metaphor behind my post, that Christians ought to live life this way - reflecting divine light.

Okay, now roll with me. I have pondered this metaphor for a while. We do indeed reflect that light, but so much of the original is maintained. What of the total eclipse -- where the moon is completely lost in the sun, where its features are no longer discernible, but all that can be seen in the sun's radiance around it?

Not sure if I'm 100% happy with either metaphor -- probably a mixture of the two. But I think the thing for me is the surrendering of my own identity. To not be identified as the moon by my craters and such, but to be completely lost in His glory.

(Interior monologue: Don't say those things! All you'll make people think is that you're a religious lunatic! Haha - lunatic! Nice pun, considering your subject matter.)