Foreshadowing.

Time with God today was really cool. I was able to connect some dots that He had been lining up in my life, beginning over the summer.

I realized this summer how much of a quitter I can be, how if I am faced with a challenge, rather than rise and meet it with steely resolve, I am much more apt to shrink back into the shadows. Granted, I learned this lesson while rock climbing up and out of a cave; in that situation, there is no quitting. I had to get over it and climb on out of there.

Anyways, I am seeing that whole idea resurface, and I find that perhaps I was being primed to face some deeper challenges over the year. I recently felt like I hit a road block with my life at school. Books that I needed to study for tests didn't look like they were written in English. I couldn't pay attention to what professors were saying in my classes (again, it was like a foreign language). The scariest part was that I became an impartial observer to all of this mental mayhem, making comments to myself along the lines of, "Wow, I can't function anymore. Isn't that odd...oh well."

This, as my Resident Director pointed out, was a great sign that I had burned out and that I needed a break. I heeded this advice and retreated home for a while. And I really, really just wanted to stay there. If nothing else, I considered the fact that all I need to do is pass my classes and I would be set to graduate next spring.

But then, the dots were connected. Am I going to be a quitter? Or am I going to finish this race, and finish strong?

Courage has returned. I will finish this race of being an undergraduate college student, and I will do it in a way that reflects my God.

Fin.

Deep Seated Desires

As I explained the difficulty I was having with thinking about the future, and explaining how I was thinking that God was saying "You choose," a wise (and incredibly wonderful) woman told me, "As you were saying that, I got a word from the Lord that He gives us the desires of our hearts. As you seek Him, He will reveal what you desire, and then you'll know which way to go."

And it has been true.

What do I desire?

I desire to work with college students.

I desire to be near my family, to build up our relationship, to encourage each other.

I desire to serve God with my life. All of my life. Not just tithing and showing up to church. Not just praying that God would give me a job. No. More. MORE MORE MORE. I want to be instrumental to my Lord. I want to please Him. I want for the world to know who He really is.

Today, I realized how strongly I desire to be re-connected, and deeply, to my church family. I think I had to be removed from it for a time, from the thick of things, because there was much for me to learn outside of the church (gasp). But now, I want to be a part of the body of Christ not for my own sake, but for OUR sake. Not for me, but for we.

I desire for Jesse and I to follow God together, if that should be His will.

I desire to live by faith. I desire to follow God's will unswervgingly.

I'll never make "the world" happy. It will only suck me dry and leave me for dead. But not God. Yes, He requires that we pour our lives out. But He refills. Like today. He is refilling me today. My refuge.

Connecting Gandalf and the Holy Spirit

Knowledge puffs up. I have realized this over the course of this semester through experience.

As such, I don't want this to be a demonstration of knowledge. This blog, this site. Thoughts, revelations, ponderings, but not a demonstration of knowledge. Not a hollow recitation of Biblical facts.

Anyways, this morning, I was reading through parts of 1 Samuel. The Israelites were at war with the Philistines, and they decided "hey, let's take the Ark of the Covenant with us for protection."

Over the course of the sermon at New Life on Sunday, PK talked about presumptuous faith, the kind of faith that masks human initiatives with spiritual language (Oh Lord, I pray for a Harley, because you can make something out of nothing for those who love you...).

Looking at the way that the Israelites brought the Ark of the Covenant (where the presence of God was enthroned between the two cherubs, if I remember rightly) with them to battle was like they were treating it as a magic trick.

In the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring, Gandalf scolds Bilbo, saying "Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!" I got to thinking about the things that Gandalf did on the journey of the Fellowship, the ways that he used his power. It was constructively. Sure, in the beginning, he brought enjoyment to the little hobbits by a firework display, but the true power of Gandalf came out while he was on the journey, on the mission. In Moria, he provided light in the dark; he kept the Balrog at bay, away from the rest of the fellowship. When he returns as Gandalf the White, he drives the wraiths away from Faramir. Power. Not cheap tricks.

Living the Rhetoric

In my senior seminar class last week, my professor was talking about his time in the army. At one point, he mentioned that he had indeed encountered people who were "living the rhetoric" of all that the armed forces stands for.

It inspired me. I think I may be beginning to understand what living out the rhetoric looks like in my own life. For example, I claim to value servant leadership. A nice, rhetorical phrase to use there, huh? I bet you've heard it from a variety of sources. Well, over this semester, I have learned that I can't claim to be something until it's been tested. I can't claim to be servant leader if what I do is dependent upon my own wishes and schedule (that seems to be like a master rather than a servant). If it really isn't about myself, then I have to pour out into others at my own expense.

I noticed myself saying in my head just last week (while thinking about post-graduation life), "I'm afraid to give my life to the world." That struck me as being very profound, especially considering Jesus. He gave up his life for the world (by world, meaning the people of it). I know that in order for me to consider myself a follower of the example set by Jesus, then I need to do the same as he did. Scary business.

This leaks over into other areas. If I consider myself to be generous, but yet don't spend anything (money, time, whatever resource comes to mind) on other people, what does that mean? If I consider myself loving, but yet do not love the unlovable, what does that mean?

Are Christians more in love with rhetoric than they are with Jesus? I am realizing in my own life at a heart level that saying and doing are two different things. Perhaps I am making an unfair generalization, and if you do not fall into this trap, then forgive me and let's move on.

However, if I have offended you, why is that?

Is it possible that truth can be offensive?

Building to Withstand the Test of Fire

A few days ago, I read 1 Corinthians 3. The verses about building upon the foundation of Christ really stood out to me, but I didn't quite know why until this morning.

Currently, I am in the process of seeking God for what to do with my life after college. The conversation has gone something like:

Me (around the end of August):"God? I'm graduating soon. What should I do?"

God: "Just be still."

Me: Okay....

Me (Midway through September): "Still being still, God."

God: "Good for you."

God (End of September): "Feel free to start researching different options."

Me: Okay.....

God: "So all of those walls you have built up, the ones against being a leader and such? Yeah, those aren't from me, by the way."

Me: Okay....

God: "So that fear that you have, that I will have you martyred for your faith in China? Have faith in me."

Me: Okay....

A brief synopsis.

I am still uncertain. So uncertain. But I realized this morning why those verses stuck out to me earlier this week. That foundation of my life, my relationship with Jesus as my Saviour, has finally set. For a while, it was still wet concrete, but now it is solid and ready to be built upon. As God would have it, it lines up with a perfect time in my life where I get to chose my building materials (another key part of those verses -- what do you build upon the foundation with? precious stones? gold? silver? wood? straw?).

In particular, there comes a part where Paul writes that a man's workmanship will be tested by fire.

"If any man's work abide which he hath built upon,

he shall receive a reward." v. 14

As I build this life upon the foundation of Jesus, I want to build it to withstand that fire. I want to build in a way that is worthy of the price that Jesus paid to redeem this life from death.

I'm confident that my God will show me what to do. He will show me my nontransferable assignment.